Sunday, November 20, 2011

Celebrating the hard-fought wins

Dear fellow tax hikers, tonight we give a well-deserved pat on the back to our tax-hiking allies who pulled through on Election Day with noticeably narrow wins.  While some might point out that these tax hikers should have been able to win their races handily, we prefer to celebrate these victories and our role in making them happen.

Virgil Lovitt.  First we'll start with our 2008 Tax Hiker of the Year Virgil Lovitt.  We were stunned to see Virg held to 53% in a surprisingly close re-election bid.  John Kasich and John McCain each received 60% of the vote in heavily Republican Sharonville, leaving us shocked to see Virg's underwhelming performance.

Don't the citizens of Sharonville appreciate all the taxes Virg has raised for them?  Aren't they amused by all the prostitutes prancing around town looking for their next trick?  Don't they like paying round after round after round of bailouts to the Sharonville Fine Arts Center? 

Between the Republican nature of Sharonville, Virg's high name id, his long-term incumbency, and the many taxes he's raised, we figured Mr. Mayor for Life had this one in the bag.  We apologize to Mayor Lovitt for not doing more for his campaign.  We promise to never make that mistake again.

Rick Bryan.  We went all in for our 2011 Tax Hiker of the Year Rick Bryan and it was a good thing we did!  Tax Hikin' Rick Bryan's win this year was even less impressive than his narrow win 2 years ago.  John Kasich defeated Ted Strickland by 20 points in this ward, making Rick's 4 point victory solid evidence of his political weakness. 

We told you in the Tax Hiker of the Year posting that Rick Bryan isn't good at much, and that obviously includes running an effective campaign.  But thankfully, he had us to take over his campaign at the end and save him from a humiliating defeat. 

We are very upset at all the Republicans in Blue Ash Ward 3 who have turned on Rick.  Don't they know he raised all those taxes?  Don't they appreciate that the City of Blue Ash allows its employees to show up to work hung over and not face discipline?  Aren't they aware that good ole' Tax Hikin' Rick Bryan has worked very hard to double the size of The Big All-Important Golf Course Club House!  Those people should show some appreciation for all the higher taxes and bigger monuments that Rick has brought to Blue Ash.

MS. Vicky Zwissler.  To win a City Council seat in Wyoming, all one has to do is be white and finish in the Top 7.  Like jumping over a Post-it note, Vicky rolled in at #7 in a field of 8 1/2 candidates (the last-place finisher couldn't open a window without assistance, so we are only considering her a 1/2 candidate).  We were hoping for a higher finish, but we are still delighted that our endorsed candidate MS. Zwissler will be returning to Council so she can resume raising taxes and building new government pools. 

Thank goodness MS. Zwissler won.  Because if she didn't she would have spent the next 3 years insisting to anyone who would listen that her defeat was the fault of everyone but herself.  Now we won't have to suffer through that, at least until the next time she loses.

Her friend Wyoming School Board Member Lynn Larson has graciously agreed to host a party to celebrate Vicky's election.  Open bar.  All ages welcome.  Mrs. Larson wants to remind the domestic help that they are to use the servants' entrance, along with minorities and west-siders.

8 comments:

GP Hartmann said...

I sure hope Alex T. makes another deal with the democrats so Todd Portune and I don't have opponents next year. I sure hate campaigning. It's hard work and I'm not very good at it.

Simply Sarah said...

You forgot tax-hiking Mayor "Royal Doyle" Webster, who infamously tried to get his daughter on City Council. For all of that, only about 51.5% of the voters wanted to return him.

Wyoming High School Class of '14 student said...

Ima get soooooo wasted at the Mrs. Larson-Ms. Zwissler party. Cant wait peeps.

Princess Margaret said...

Ugh! Because housing values have like totally gone into the toilet, it's easier for smelly, inbred West Siders to move into places like Blue Ash, Sharonville and Wyoming. Problem is they bring their West Side habits with them and when they start yapping about how great the Catholic schools are and their love of Steve Chabot and Sarah Palin, it turns off their more sophisticated neighbors. Then these good Republicans start to turn away from our good friends Virg, Vicky, and Rick. Sometimes those smelly inbreeders don't change their voter reg in time so we lose more votes that way too!

Ugh, smelly inbred west siders will be the downfall of the Hamilton County Republican Party.

Virg the Scourge said...

The 'stache made a difference. I'm glad I kept mine.

Doyle W said...

Sarah, thanks for remembering me. I am glad someone is looking out for my best interests, I mean, the people of Springdale's best interests.

Lady Lynn Larson said...

Did I ever tell you people how much I hate the police? It's the police's fault that my Mattie and his stupid friends got caught breaking the law while one of them got injured. It's the police's fault that the Wyoming City Schools dropped in the state rankings.

Nothing is ever my fault, or my Mattie's fault, or his dumb friends' fault. Being Lynn Larson means never admitting fault to anything.

Princess Margaret said...

Love it! Count me in! Plz b sur 2 txt me the deets. And keep those west siders away!