Escaping the ball pit

Dear fellow tax hikers, this has been a great week for our movement.  On Wednesday we hosted another awesome pizza party at GOP headquarters where we solved every last problem in the Hamilton County Republican Party.  No longer will we lose seats to Democrats every single year, and we will not let bad Republicans like Jonathan Dever defeat our great tax-hiking candidates in primaries. 

And last night our party held its annual fundraiser at the very special Music Hall.  The location's selection was no accident.  The Puppet Chairman Alex Clouseau and his boss George Vincent wanted to show the arts community that the GOP leadership stands behind Music Hall and is very upset that our county taxes were not increased for 14 years to renovate this great facility.  It was a great event, and we are especially proud to have served the tastiest $75 chicken ever.

With this great week out of the way, we spend today doing what we do best - sitting on the couch while watching tv and surfing the internet.  We have selected a great entertainment video for everyone to watch.  This features a woman who goes to play in one of those recreational ball pits.......and can't get out. 

Sadly, the video did not last long enough to show the industrial crane lifting her out.

350-pound slob on scooter tries to steal Walmart steaks

Dear fellow tax hikers, even with our elite writing skills we could never create a story this great.  A 5'5", 350-pound man was arrested for trying to steal 5 Ribeye steaks from Walmart.  While riding one of Walmart's infamous Fat People Scooters, lardo attempted to ride out of the store sitting on the 5 steaks. 

“Suspect sat on the steaks and exited the store passing all points of sale, without attempting to pay for said merchandise,” cops noted.

We bet those were the most tenderized pieces of steak ever.  It brings new meaning to the term "rump roast". 

"Due to his size, the suspect was cuffed using two pairs of cuffs."

We just hope they didn't put the product back on the shelf.  Unless they sanitized and deodorized it.

Tell us tax hikers, do we know any 5'5" 350-pound losers around here who might attempt this crime? 

Union hog sleeps away his 2-hour workday

Click to enlarge, if possible

Dear fellow tax hikers, union leader Mark Rosenthal is reported to spend his time on the clock eating and sleeping, and that's during the limited hours he's actually in the office.  The 5'7" 400-pound Rosenthal is the President of Local 983 of District Council 37, where he is supposed to represent the union's 3,000 New York City employees.

But according to other Executive Board members and a series of photos, Rosenthal spends only 2 hours/day in the office - all of it eating and sleeping.  Even worse, we hear he probably drinks sodas that are larger than King Michael Bloomberg's 16-oz limit.

Rosenblob earns a hefty $156,000/year for this grueling 10 hour/week job.  He has at least been an effective union leader by our standards:

He (Rosenthal) last made embarrassing headlines in 2009, when he inspired a City Council bill requiring jumbo-size ambulances for morbidly obese patients after he had a stroke at City Hall.

Rosenslob claims these charges represent a conspiracy against him from other Board members looking to overthrow him.  He says he actually works 12-14 hour days but sometimes takes one of those executive power naps.

He claims these naps are caused by medication he's taking for back problems that resulted from falling through a McDonald's chair.  We can believe that.  We can also believe the office chair he's pictured in has been reinforced with high-grade steel.

Woman forgives boyfriend after being shot because he thought she was a hog

Dear fellow tax hikers, you might recall the story about a woman who was shot by her boyfriend after mistaking her for a hog.  We are happy to report that she is recovering nicely and has forgiven him for his action.  We have to ask - is she forgiving him for shooting her, or is she forgiving him for thinking she looks like a hog?

Note:  Surprisingly, the woman in this story is not Tabitha Hochscheid (Mrs. CincyCapell).

Some people think this is funny, but we are informing you this is no laughing matter.  Imagine how you would feel if you got shot by your boyfriend, and then he said he shot you because you looked just like a hog.  Talk about adding insult to injury.

We are enormously proud of this woman for forgiving her boyfriend.  It takes a big woman to get through something this weighty.  And we have no doubt this is one big woman who is comfortable in her skin.

Woman arrested after calling the police on her dope dealer

Dear fellow tax hikers, we think we've found another story for your enjoyment.  Recently a genius from New Jersey was arrested after calling the police on her drug dealer for ripping her off.

Ms. Marsha Wilcox claims her dealer did not deliver the marijuana as agreed after handing him the $20, and called the police to report the theft.  The police then arrested her trying to purchase illegal drugs.

Our advice - when buying illegal substances, keep the police out of it.

400-pound naked woman arrested

Dear fellow tax hikers, police arrested a naked 400-pound woman for exposure of sexual organs in public.  We're not convinced anyone could have seen her organs through all the fat.  We are pretty sure it wasn't our good friend Tab Hochscheid.

Allegedly the arrested woman is homeless even though she collects Social Security disability.  We suspect she could better afford shelter if she wasn't spending so much on her food bill. 

Al Bundy vs. Ms. Blaub

Dear fellow tax hikers, our post today is a gift to you.  It's one of our favorite videos ever - a scene from Married With Children featuring an encounter between Al Bundy and MS. Blaub.



Note: the actress in this scene is not Tabitha Hochscheid (aka Mrs. CincyCapell).  Tabitha would likely have to lose a ton of weight and gain a lot of personality to be the lady in this scene.

Obese man kicked out of buffet

Dear fellow tax hikers, today we resume our Funny Stories series with a whopper. Odd News Videos reports that a 350-pound man was thrown out of an all-you-can-eat fish fry after consuming 12 pieces of fish. Running low on supplies, the restaurant gave him another 8 pieces of fish and sent him on his way.  Unsatisfied with a mere 20 pieces of fish, this obese man staged a protest outside the restaurant to complain about his shoddy treatment.

Note:  This is not a story about Craig Hochscheid, the portly pig behind the CincyCapell and Richard A. Brockelmann personas. 

We applaud Bill Wisth for standing up for his rights to eat a restaurant out of business.  Obviously the biggest problem in this 350-pound man's life is the lack of food.  If he wants to eat literally every piece of fish this restaurant has, that's his right as an American!  We stand large behind this enormous man and his enormous cause.  

Women suffers heart attack at Heart Attack Grill

Dear fellow tax hikers, one of our favorite restaurants has made the news again.  This time, a woman appears to have ordered up a heart attack at The Heart Attack Grill. 

A woman is recovering after collapsing and possibly suffering a heart attack at The Heart Attack Grill.

Now that's what we call a satisfied customer!

This restaurant was in the news earlier this year when a man suffered a heart attack while eating a Triple Bypass Burger.  These people truly know how to give the customer what they want.

Prostitute offers sex for two burgers

Dear fellow tax hikers, times are tough now even for the working girls.  We think everyone will agree - this is one cheap whore.

The woman, the detective reported, replied that the pair “could go have sexual intercourse if I bought her two double cheese burgers off the dollar menu at McDonald’s.” The cop added, “I agreed to the deal and purchased the hamburgers for $2.75.”

Note:  this did not take place in Virgil Lovitt's Sharonville.  Those Chester Road whores make good wages.  If this McHooker worked in Sharonville or Springdale, she would have least gotten a medium pepperoni pizza for her work.  Probably with lots of extra cheese.

We tax hikers just hope they let her keep the burgers.

Man electrocuted breaking into electric plant

Dear fellow tax hikers, did you ever think that breaking into an electric company's power plant and trying to steal their equipment might not be the best idea?  Well, the man featured in this story had other plans.

A man broke into a Duke Energy substation, and was promptly electrocuted to death.  It's kind of shocking.  We suspect he won't be stealing again.

Burgers lure naked man off the ledge

Dear fellow tax hikers, we present to you one of the funniest stories we've read in months.

Police were able to lure a naked man who spent hours atop a downtown radio tower with McDonald's hamburgers.

The man climbed to the top of the tower Wednesday night.  At one point, police sources said, he asked for hamburgers from McDonald's. Officials complied, and he agreed to come down after eating his meal.

Note: this is not a story about Wyoming Mayor Barry Porter.

We never knew McDonald's hamburgers had such lifesaving power.  Me and my civil domestic partner have decided we're going to eat a lot more of them than we already do.  We encourage local police forces to harness the power of the golden arch.  Who knows, the Big M could save your life next.   

We at Republicans for Higher Taxes have decided we will start more regularly posting entertainment stories like these.  We believe they will nicely compliment our usual entries - hard-hitting journalism and advocacy for higher taxes.  Our readers want to be entertained, and we always, always want to serve our loyal followers.  That's all for today, it's time for a late night burger run!

LA initiative mandates condom use for porn stars

Dear fellow tax hikers, for one posting we will diverge from our usual obsession with raising taxes to raise a matter of utmost importance.  An initiative from the city of Los Angeles will appear on the June ballot that will require porn stars to wear condoms when filming inside the city.  Talk about an anal proposal!  This could be a real drag for the transvestites.  

We stand with the Fluffers Union and encourage our followers in LA to vote against this foul-tasting plan.  We want to know the name of the dick who thought this was a good idea.

We hope the petitioners were wearing gloves when collecting signatures.  After all, you have to be safe when screwing others.  

An initiative backer was quoted saying:

"If you're going to blow things up, you have to have the fire department involved."

We wonder what women and gay men think of that?  The fire department should not have to be present for a basic porn act. 

Furthermore, a team of inspectors will be hired to ensure compliance.

Under the proposal, fees may be charged to "provide for inspectors to ensure compliance with conditions on film permits."

If this passes we would like to volunteer our inspection services.  We would be overjoyed to conduct up-close prick inspections to check for condom usage.

In spite of the enlarging opportunities this could present for us, we must endorse a no vote.  Anyone who votes for this initiative can blow me.