Dear fellow tax hikers, we are dismayed at the recent attack on Cincinnati City Councilman Chris Seelbach in downtown Cincinnati. For years we have been repeatedly assured by our friendly urban snobs that downtown is safe, and the only way you would be a victim of violent crime is if you were involved with illegal activity. Was City Councilman Chris Seelbach doing something illegal?
Earlier today the full 911 call was released. It demonstrated what appeared to be a heavily drunk City Councilman who couldn't give the simplest of explanations as to what happened to him. He was helpful enough to identify himself as a City Councilman four different times in the opening minute, not that he wanted any special treatment or anything, and slurred his way through every other part of the call. Listen to the shocking call for yourself.
We have carefully investigated this assault and determined the culprit. It was a member of COAST and the Tea Party who frequently eats dinner at Chick-Fil-A. Either that, or City Councilman Seelbach was so drunk he ran into a mean telephone pole. Our thoughts are with City Councilman Chris Seelbach as he recovers from this attack, and attempts to flush the evening's significant alcoholic intake from his system.