Sunday, December 29, 2013

Todd Portune for Governor?

Dear fellow tax hikers, we blog tonight to honor and defend one of the biggest icons in local politics - Todd Portune's mustache.  As Todd ponders whether to run for Ohio Governor, we want everyone to understand the source of his strength - Mustache Power.  It is the power that drives Southwest Ohio politics.

However, as Portune and his mustache have traveled around Ohio seeking support, he was confronted by this vicious attack:

We may sometimes allow you to attack Portune, but never Bash the Stache!  His legendary mustache must be defended at all costs.  Whether Todd runs for Governor or not, the 'stache stays where it is.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Stand with Seelbach

Dear fellow tax hikers, we are overjoyed how our community has come together to rally behind our brother Chris Seelbach.  As we reported on Monday, Council Member Seelbach was the victim of a horrible anti-gay attack earlier this week.  Those bigots actually went up to his snow-covered car and wrote "tiny cock" into the snow on his windshield with their homophobic fingers!  We will not stand for this.

We are organizing a rally to combat the hate.  Here are the details of this can't-miss event:

Stand With Seelbach Rally
Wednesday, December 25th
9:30 AM
City Hall steps

All of you are expected to attend.  If you don't show up, it's because you hate homosexuals.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Latest attack against Seelbach

Dear fellow tax hikers, we are appalled at the recent homophobic attack against City Council Member Chris Seelbach, a City Council Member on City Council.  Earlier today Council Member Seelbach walked to his car and had to suffer the following indignity:

This is obviously an attempt to intimidate Council Member Seelbach because he is openly gay and supports our beloved Cincinnati Streetcar.  It couldn't possibly be a random act from a street punk making a joke that perhaps someone driving a tiny "smart car" the size of my first tricycle might also have a tiny one. 

We strongly condemn this act of homophobia.  We encourage Council Member Chris Seelbach to keep courageously using his position as a Council Member to advocate for the streetcar, and to show people how cool it is to drive a car that might weigh less than several local bon vivants

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The streetcar is dead

Dear fellow tax hikers, THEY KILLED OUR STREETCAR!!! 

Just one month after our humiliating Roxanne Qualls defeat we are sitting here crying our eyes out again.  This city is DEAD.  It can't possibly survive. 

Please help us spread the word to all streetcar supporters that the Suicide Hotline is open 24/7.  We're not giving up and neither should you.  We tax hikers are like roaches - we never go away. 

This means some bad things for us.  Worst of all, we'll have to keep riding a putrid BUS to get around instead of a luxury $148 million streetcar.  Or we'll just have to drive our SUV's more often.  But jeez, don't you sometimes have these days that you want to park the SUV and get around in a lovely streetcar? 

We white Young Professionals in OTR deserve something for ourselves, but that evil man John Cranley took it away.  We promise you our movement isn't dead even if our streetcar is.  Someday, we'll bring a streetcar and a huge new Light Rail Tax to Cincinnati - once Cincinnati reverses itself from it's "death". 

Streetcar costs increase another $15 million

Dear fellow tax hikers, we have wonderful news to share.  It appears that we will get to pay another $15 million for our beloved Cincinnati Streetcar!  Our $133 million streetcar now looks like the $148 million streetcar, just as Council is deciding whether to cancel it.

This information is based on the Secret Streetcar Memo which has finally been released.  In this memo, the City of Cincinnati's own attorney's advised that the city will likely lose it's litigation against Duke Energy over $15 million of costs to move the utilities. 

Former Mayor Mark Mallory and former City Manager Milton Dohoney publicly proclaimed that the city had a strong likelihood of winning this lawsuit, even as they had this memo which said they were likely to lose.  Some would say Mallory and Dohoney were lying, but we say sometimes you have to fib to get the big government projects that we want. 

As we streetcar supporters often demonstrate, we believe the ends justify the means.  We will continue to lie if that's what it takes to build this wonderful streetcar system.  We may have to come up with some great new lies in the next few weeks to save our streetcar.  We believe in Cincinnati!