Monday, April 30, 2012

Hamilton County GOP Internship available for UC students

Dear fellow tax hikers, for those of you who attend the University of Cincinnati we are delighted to present to you a wonderful internship opportunity through the Hamilton County Republican Party (of higher taxes).  This is a great chance to apply your skills in support of the big government movement that the local GOP has advanced so well.

To be eligible for this summer/fall internship you must:
- be a UC student, and continue to be one for the duration of this internship
- write a 4-page essay kissing the right people's asses
- submit your complete application by May 18th to either us or John Kerry supporter Ashwin Corattiyil

Note:  If you are related to Jennifer Triantafilou or Tracy Winkler - you don't have to be a UC student, you don't have to write a 4-page essay, and you can apply whenever the hell you want. 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Women suffers heart attack at Heart Attack Grill

Dear fellow tax hikers, one of our favorite restaurants has made the news again.  This time, a woman appears to have ordered up a heart attack at The Heart Attack Grill. 

A woman is recovering after collapsing and possibly suffering a heart attack at The Heart Attack Grill.

Now that's what we call a satisfied customer!

This restaurant was in the news earlier this year when a man suffered a heart attack while eating a Triple Bypass Burger.  These people truly know how to give the customer what they want.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Commissioners reject Sales Tax increase for Arts

Dear fellow tax hikers, we are once again irate at our Hamilton County Commissioners.  This week's offense is their unanimous rejection of a big Sales Tax Increase for "the arts".  We proudly endorsed this important tax increase two weeks ago.

We hate it when we endorse something only to see it fail a few days later!

This tax increase was vital to Hamilton County's health.  What could be more important than raising taxes to have more publicly-subsidized art?  We condemn all three Commissioners for refusing to back this necessary tax hike.

Even worse, they have barred the County Administrator from spending any further work time on this advocacy effort.  The Administrator's job is to raise taxes and find new ways to spend money!  The Commissioners are wrong to insist that he spend his time on "core functions and managing our budget".  We don't need no stinkin' budget management, and raising taxes is one of our most vital core functions.

After all, the United States government hasn't even passed a budget in 3 years and their finances are great!

This decision is especially insulting after their tragic choice to refuse a countywide property tax increase to help maintain the City of Cincinnati's Union Terminal building.  Those of us who wish to enjoy the arts at everyone else's expense aren't getting much love.  We firmly insist on a sales tax increase and property tax increase to ensure the government is giving the arts all the taxpayer money they deserve.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Jean Schmidt's Clermont County PAC supporters

Dear fellow tax-hikers, more good news to celebrate.  As we celebrate Tax Week, we are thrilled to honor three more heroes who deserve to have their efforts honored.  Several Jean Schmidt supporters in Clermont County created their own fake "Republican Slate Card" to make it appear that our Jean and their other friends were the endorsed Republicans, when in fact they were not. 

That's right, in a classic Friday night document dump, Joe Braun's Clermont County Republican Leadership PAC filed their FEC report.  Contrary to some fears, the names of the financial backers of this heroic effort won't go unknown.

The financial support for the sample ballots meant to confuse Clermont County Republicans into voting our Jean Schmidt, Dandy Don White, and Jean's former slave Phone Boy Nick Owens are none other than R. Scott Croswell ($1500); Holiday Homes, Inc. ($1000); and Lykins Companies, Inc. ($5000).

And let's not forget the unsung heroes - the vendors.  Because after all, what good would those 30 pieces of silver have done the Romans if Judas wasn't there to take it?  

So our hats off to Tammy Adelhardt (nee Braun) for her great work in "designing" those ballots.  Is it really designing when you're simply trying to not quite copy the legitimate sample ballot?  But whatever, your efforts will be rewarded above.

Not to be outdone the good folks at Blue Chip Mailing Services made sure those misleading mailers got out in time to have, well, absolutely no effect on the races that mattered.  Some Schmidt supporters think this stunt even backfired. 

Once again, our special friend in taxes, Joe Braun, came up a little short in the political acumen department.  We sure hope he's a better attorney than he is a political strategist! 

If only Schmidt lackeys MS. Vicky Zwissler and Campaign Expert PhD Julie Matheny had been asked to do more, we might have won!

We salute these tax-hiking heroes for everything they did support our fantastic Congresswoman Jean Schmidt.  It's just not fair that those horrible limited government crusaders in COAST and the Tea Parties got to have all the fun on election night. 

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Happy Tax Week

Dear fellow tax hikers, this is our favorite time of the year - Tax Week!  That's right, we at Republicans for Higher Taxes refuse to confine the greatest event on this planet to a mere one day.  The joyous payment of taxes deserves an entire week of celebration, and here you will get it.

We wish everyone a Happy Tax Week from the bottom of our tax-hiking hearts.  We give a special shout-out to those who have worked so hard to raise our taxes - people like our wonderful Congresswoman Jean Schmidt and 2010 Tax Hiker of the Year Jon Husted. 

We want to hear from you.  During this special week, we invite all you tax hikers to share with us your favorite tax hiking experiences.  Tell us your favorite tax hikes, favorite tax hikers, and some of the taxes you enjoy paying the most.  This post is now your post.  Tax us more, forever and ever!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Friday the 13th: Jason axes Kevin DeWine

Dear fellow tax hikers, today is Friday the 13th and it has been a horrific one.  The masked madman Jason Voorhees awoke from the dead (for the 28th time) and unleashed his terror on Columbus.  By the time the dust settled, our beloved Chairman Kevin DeWine was the victim of Jason's massacre.  We mourn the tragic end of Mr. DeWine's tenure as Chairman of our Ohio Republican Party of Higher Taxes. 

DeWine was a fantastic chairman.  All the taxes he raised.  All the Solyndras Ohio has invested in because he supported Bob Taft's 3rd Frontier.  All the millions of GOP dollars he spent defeating other Republicans instead of saving money to defeat the Democrats.  Everything he did to undermine our awful Governor John Kasich to clear the way for the quick rise of our 2010 Tax Hiker of the Year Jon Husted.  We already miss K.D.

On the bright side, former Chairman Bob Bennett is back in charge.  While we preferred Sweaty Betty Montgomery, Bennett is a solid choice.  Bennett spent 20 years sticking it to conservatives while supporting great moderate, pro-tax Republicans like Bob Taft, Betty Montgomery, George Voinovich, Jim Petro, Jennette Bradley, and Nancy Hollister. 

Today on Friday the 13th, Jason Voorhees stomped and slashed his way through Columbus, taking down the legendary Kevin DeWine in his reign of terror.  But in this sequel, we tax hikers fought back and turned this horrific day into a positive by installing our old friend Bennett to replace K.D.  We survived today's Friday the 13th massacre and will continue our fight against the evil conservatives just as we successfully fought back the evil Jason. 

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Sales Tax increase for The Arts

Dear fellow tax hikers, local civic leaders have recently been trying to build support for an Arts Tax to raise as much as $500 million for important arts needs.  We have been working very hard on this project.  It would likely necessitate an increase in Hamilton County's Sales Tax to raise this money.

We enthusiastically endorse this necessary Sales Tax increase.  In a time of high unemployment, foreclosures, tight government budgets, and tight household budgets, we can't think of anything more important than raising taxes to get more publicly-funded arts. 

There are so many local arts projects that need taxpayer funds.  We recently expressed our extreme dissatisfaction that Hamilton County won't raise property taxes to fix the Cincinnati-owned Union Terminal.  This city-owned building deserves county tax dollars one way or another.  And what about The Freedom Center?  If we can get an Arts Sales Taxes, The Freedom Center can finally receive the huge infusion of taxpayer funds they deserve. 

We need Hamilton County residents to pay higher taxes to subsidize Cincinnati's buildings so that Cincinnati can build their streetcar.  If Cincinnati took care of their own buildings, they might not have the money for a streetcar and that would be tragic.  We stand 100% behind this proposed Sales Tax increase for the arts.  These arts projects - and the streetcar - depend on it.  Tax us more!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Kevin DeWine resigns

Dear fellow tax hikers, with much regret we inform you that our fearless leader Kevin DeWine has submitted his resignation as Chairman of the Ohio Republican Party.  This news represents another huge setback for our tax-and-spend movement.

We were proud to endorse Kevin for re-election, as did our good friend Campaign Expert PhD Julie Matheny.  With our collective expertise in his corner, how could he have failed? 

K.D. represented the best the Ohio GOP had to offer.  When Bob Taft demanded higher taxes, Kevin DeWine willfully obeyed.  When Bob Taft started his 3rd Frontier, so that Ohio can "invest" in our own Solyndras, DeWine didn't have to be asked twice.  Most of all, DeWine is the #1 ally and closest friend of our 2010 Tax Hiker of the Year Jon Husted.  K.D. famously tried to undermine Kasich to put Husted on the fast track to become our next Governor.  These are merely some of this great leader's accomplishments.

We proudly endorse Sweaty Betty Montgomery to be the next State Chairman.  Betty is pro-abortion, anti-gun, pro-tax, and owned outright by convicted felon Tom Noe.  She hates those awful conservatives even more than K.D does.  These are all the qualities and more we could want in a GOP Chairman.  Our party needs to get back to raising taxes and killing babies.  With Betty Montgomery large and in charge, we know those glory days will return soon.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Commissioners kill Museum Center tax hike

Dear fellow tax hikers, we are extremely angry tonight after reading the Hamilton County Commissioners have unanimously rejected the Museum Center's demand for a $150 million property tax increase to renovate the Union Terminal building.  This is appalling.  If the Museum wants $150 million, they should get it no questions asked.  It is the Commissioners' duty to raise taxes on command.

Ignore the fact that the building is owned by the City of Cincinnati.  They don't have the money to fix their own buildings because they would rather spend their Capital funds to build a streetcar.  You suburbanites need to pay higher taxes to maintain Cincinnati's buildings so that white urban hipsters can have themselves a streetcar! 

We are extremely disappointed in Commissioners Greg Hartmann and Todd Portune for their decision.  We would be disappointed in that miser Monzel, but we already knew he was a bum.  This guy has viciously opposed every part of our tax-and-spend agenda.  From opposing our $777 million Sales Tax increase, to opposing the Light Rail Sales Tax hike, to opposing more stadium taxes, to opposing a modest Trash Tax, and much more, Monzel has been one of our biggest enemies. 

Commissioner Hartmann disappoints us.  We thought he turned a corner over these past few years and became one of us.  Why wouldn't he want to raise taxes on all Hamilton County property owners to help Cincinnati afford their streetcar?  We are so upset at Hartmann, that effective immediately we have stripped him of the prestigious "Tax Hike Hartmann" nickname that we once awarded him.  He will not get it back until he raises some serious taxes around here. 

We are also very disappointed in Commissioner Portune.  We remember the days when he was our ally, but over the past 2 years he has turned into one of those fiscal conservatives!   Who could have guessed that Todd Portune, in the same 12 months, would say no higher stadium taxes, say no to subsidizing the streetcar, and say no to taxing Hamilton County residents to help maintain a Cincinnati building?  Todd needs to look in a mirror and remind himself the true meaning of Mustache Power. 

We encourage all you tax hikers to contact the Commissioners to let them know of your disappointment.  Tell them they should raise taxes anytime one of Cincinnati's buildings needs work.  Tell them all Hamilton County residents should pay higher taxes to ensure that Cincinnati has the money to build their streetcar.  We are going to continue our fight to raise county property taxes for this streetcar, I mean the building that hosts The Museum Center.  Tax us more!

Prostitute offers sex for two burgers

Dear fellow tax hikers, times are tough now even for the working girls.  We think everyone will agree - this is one cheap whore.

The woman, the detective reported, replied that the pair “could go have sexual intercourse if I bought her two double cheese burgers off the dollar menu at McDonald’s.” The cop added, “I agreed to the deal and purchased the hamburgers for $2.75.”

Note:  this did not take place in Virgil Lovitt's Sharonville.  Those Chester Road whores make good wages.  If this McHooker worked in Sharonville or Springdale, she would have least gotten a medium pepperoni pizza for her work.  Probably with lots of extra cheese.

We tax hikers just hope they let her keep the burgers.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Jean Schmidt's Big Donors

Dear fellow tax hikers, today we will begin a new series: A Salute to Heroes.  We will recognize the financial contributions of the area's best and brightest to Jean Schmidt's losing campaign.

These selfless heroes forked over thousands and thousands of dollars without asking anything in return.  Not even that Jean use the funds to run an actual campaign!

With that, we present to you, the first inductees into our Hall of Fame:

George Vincent, Dinsmore and Shohl:  $1500
Mike Brown, Bengals Owner:  $2500
Robert Economou:  $1875
Charles Kubicki, Cincinnati United Contractors:  $1000
Gary Greenberg, Denlinger Rossenhl and Greenberg:  $1000
A. David Davis, Check and Go:  $1000
Jared Davis, CNG Financial Corp:  $1500
Michelle Schneider, 2009 Tax Hiker of the Year:  $1000
Anthony (Tony) Maas, JTM Provisions:  $5000
Barb Maas, JTM Provisions:  $5000
Joseph Maas, JTM Provisions:  $5000
Otto Budig, Parsec:  $1500
Thomas Avril, The G.A. Avril Co:  $3500
Diana Avril:  $5000
Frederick Bryan, Bryan Equipment Sales:  $4000
Wayne Carucci:  $2500
Michael Castrucci, Castrucci Automotive:  $2500
Donald LaRosa, LaRosa's:  $5000
Robert Coughlin, Paycor:  $2500
Ian Guttman, Hills Realty:  $2500
Gary Heiman, Standard Textile Co:  $2500
Keith Jensen, AFG:  $2500
Keith Lindner, Chiquita Brands:  $2500
Craig Lindner, Great American Insurance:  $2500
Thomas Quinn, ILSCO:  $2500
Ed Steiner, KMK Law Firm:  $1250

These are just some of the people that donated $1000 or more after that jerk Brad Wenstrup announced his candidacy.  They represent the true visionaries!  The people who, even in the face of our Jeannie's numerous ethics scandals, decided to double down in their support for our girl Jean.  For your loyalty to the cause of higher taxes and unethical behavior, we will never forget.

Over the next few weeks, we will be honoring more of Jean's supporters, including presenting awards to special friends of Jean.