Monday, June 29, 2015

I now pronounce you man, man, wife, incestor, and transexual

Dear fellow tax hikers, as bisexual incestor polygamists we were initially disappointed in the Supreme Courts ruling forcing gay marriage in all 50 states.  We have been at the forefront of the Real Marriage Equality movement, which states that all adults should be able to marry as many other adults as they want including relatives. 

But nothing in the ruling explicitly states that incest marriages, polygamy, group marriages, and concubine marriages must be allowed.  We are currently in a 4-person marriage, and two of the people are brothers, but this loving marriage is not recognized by our bigoted laws.  What about our marriage equality?  Equality means equality.

However upon further examination we are starting to think we may get our way.  The Supreme Court declared marriage to be a fundamental right and used "due process" to justify their ruling.  That language means that all people are entitled to marriage and that the government can't deny it.  There is nothing in the ruling indicating that any form of marriage is legally superior to another.  Real marriage equality may be coming sooner than you think.

We will remain leaders in the fight for Real Marriage Equality.  We call on gay marriage leaders to continue the fight for full equality.  There is no equality until we are all equal. 

Friday, June 26, 2015

Take two more tax increases

Dear fellow tax hikers, this week has brought the wonderful news that we might be getting another two tax increases.  This is in addition to the two excellent tax increases that we profiled last month. 

First, another all-star task force has recommended that Hamilton County raise the property "fee" by $25-$86 for each parcel of land regardless of value. 

The latest plan to save Hamilton County's 911 emergency communication system would cost every homeowner and business as much as $86 a year in new property fees.

As of our blog posting time, that is how the article reads.  But because we are incredibly fair-minded tax-hiking bloggers, we will note that Auditor Dusty Rhodes states that the tax fee only applies to the 60% of the county outside of Cincinnati, Norwood, and Amberley Village. 

Next, a petition drive has been started to raise Cincinnati's Property Tax by a full mill to jack up city park spending.  Leading the charge is Mayor John Cranley, who has finally decided that we need a property tax increase after campaigning for mayor against one. 

We are proud to be the first organization to endorse both of these money grabs.  We stand behind them 100%, just like we strongly endorsed both of last month's tax increases.  The government needs that money.  You don't. 

Monday, June 22, 2015

Red Light Camera Bribery

Dear fellow tax hikers, major news has rocked Ohio politics as the former CEO of red light camera company Redflex plead Guilty to bribing elected officials in Columbus and Cincinnati.  One known recipient of her bribes is Columbus City Council President Andrew Ginther, who is was the frontrunner for Columbus Mayor.  Redflex routed the money through Democratic lobbyist John Raphael, who donated the money to the Ohio Democratic Party, who then gave the money to Ginther.

Ohio Democratic Party Chairman David A. Pepper, who is the most ethical almost-Attorney General in our nation's history and is as pure as the winter snow, would never condone such behavior.  To demonstrate his strong opposition to corruption, Pepper has issued the following statement:

Another known bribe recipient is a Cincinnati elected official between 2005-2008, though the feds have not released the name.  We ask our loyal readers, do you know who this person is? 

This blog has always been a strong supporter of red light cameras.  We don't care whether they improve public safety, we support these cameras because they are revenue machines and represent another method of extracting money from the commoners. 

If we have to engage in bribery to get these cameras up, we are all for it.  Like Chairman Pepper, we will not condemn Ginther and the unnamed Cincinnati official for taking bribes - the only thing they did wrong was getting caught.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

All Star Mustaches coming to Cincinnati

Dear fellow tax hikers, we have finally succeeded in bringing the Big All-Star Mustaches to Cincinnati.  They will be placed around town to help celebrate the All Star Game.  These mustaches are a huge deal - even bigger than mustaches Rick Bryan, Jim Sumner, and Todd Portune. 

We considered bringing back the highly successful Big Pig Gig, but Craig and Tabitha Hochscheid decided not to participate and no suitable replacements could be found. 

This is an exciting development for the city and our legendary blog.  With all the defeats we've suffered, this is exactly what we need to give Mustache Power the momentum it needs to resume its proper role dominating Southwest Ohio politics. 

Friday, June 5, 2015

Adam Hoover sentenced - to diversion

Dear fellow tax hikers, the last time we heard about gay rights leader Adam Hoover he was making international news by getting arrested for faking his own abduction.  Adam is a respectable homosexual (are there any other kind?) so we urged the judicial system to cut him a break.  We can proudly report that Adam received his sweetheart resolution to these charges, getting sentenced to 6 months diversion

It basically means he has to be a good boy for 6 months.  And if he does break the law during probation they will drag him back to Court, where they will repeat their order not to break law again and force him to turn in his shirtless posters of Justin Bieber.

Even though this "sentence" was announced 3 weeks ago, we are still only the 2nd media outlet to report on it.  In particular, The Enquirer ran from this story faster than Democratic voters have been running from PG Sittenfeld.  When they thought Adam Hoover had been kidnapped, they were hotter for this story than The Hoover on a monster c*ck.

This should free Hoover to resume his important work on the Hillary Clinton for President campaign.  If there's anyone who should know their place, it's someone on the Hillary Rodham Clinton campaign.  As The Hoover knows, sometimes that place is in the trunk of a car.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Go to the end of the line, peasant

Dear fellow tax hikers, Hillary Rodham Clinton was recently mistreated by one of her own supporters.  Mrs. Clinton was finishing a campaign event when she got accosted by a commoner who wanted her autograph. What, for free? 

Hillary rightfully told the peasant to go to the end of the line where she belongs.

This townie has not made a sufficient contribution to the Clinton campaign or the Clinton Foundation (hourly rate: $300,000) and therefore did not possess the right to address Mrs. Clinton as an equal.  That is a mistake she had better not make twice. 

This peasant was lucky Hillary was so nice to her.  There are rules to follow around HRC, and one of them is that commoners do not get to speak to Mrs. Clinton unless she speaks to them first.  Learn these rules, or the next person Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton orders to the back of the line might be you.