Wednesday, November 19, 2014

350-pound slob on scooter tries to steal Walmart steaks

Dear fellow tax hikers, even with our elite writing skills we could never create a story this great.  A 5'5", 350-pound man was arrested for trying to steal 5 Ribeye steaks from Walmart.  While riding one of Walmart's infamous Fat People Scooters, lardo attempted to ride out of the store sitting on the 5 steaks. 

“Suspect sat on the steaks and exited the store passing all points of sale, without attempting to pay for said merchandise,” cops noted.

We bet those were the most tenderized pieces of steak ever.  It brings new meaning to the term "rump roast". 

"Due to his size, the suspect was cuffed using two pairs of cuffs."

We just hope they didn't put the product back on the shelf.  Unless they sanitized and deodorized it.

Tell us tax hikers, do we know any 5'5" 350-pound losers around here who might attempt this crime? 

Sunday, November 16, 2014

2014 Election's real winner - Micah Kamrass

Enquirer Participation Trophy

Dear fellow tax hikers, on Election Day we were crushed when it appeared that evil conservative Jonathan Dever crushed our liberal candidate Micah Kamrass. We were assured by our expert sources that Kamrass was guaranteed to win in a landslide, but the unofficial vote count shows Dever with the 56-44% win. 

But thanks to The Cincinnati Enquirer, who like us has spent the last 6 months openly campaigning for Kamrass, we have come around to realize that Micah was the real winner.

A seat in the Ohio House may not be among them, but there were still some big wins for first-time candidate Micah Kamrass in last week’s election.

Kamrass deserves much more than a Participation Trophy for all he accomplished this year.  We applaud writer Krista Ramsey, who previously canonized respected Judge Tracie Hunter, for recognizing Micah's victory. 

Kamrass got over 44% of the vote!  All of you need to stop what you're doing and show some respect for that amazing performance.  The combination of the Kamrass campaign, us, and the Enquirer did something special this year - even if Dever won this tossup race by double-digits.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Dever supporter insults our movement

Dear fellow tax hikers, we are very upset at the Dever supporter who dropped by our site last night to taunt those of us who thought Dever had no chance of winning.  According to unofficial returns he won 56-44%.  

We want you to read these comments and get mad.  This is the motivation we need to win one of our big future projects - Dump Dever 2016.  Dever has no chance of getting re-elected (just like he had no chance to defeat Tax Hikin' Rick Bryan or Micah Kamrass).

Crazy Kamrass Quotes said...

Let's review all the accurate predictions and spot-on analysis from the Kamrass supporters this year:

Kamrass for the WIN said...
"The 28th won't even be close."
- You're right, it wasn't.

Justice said...
"If you've spoken with Dever at all in the last week, you know that he knows he is going to lose."
- I'd suggest you listen more closely next time, or become a better liar.

"Micah Kamrass is the choice of everyone except a few fringe wacko nutjobs who love Dever's hate. Jonathan Dever is a mentally ill psychopath who takes advice from the angriest loser in all of politics."
- Do you think any Dever campaign advisors are angry right now? Someone from the Kamrass campaign needs to quit projecting.

Blue Ash Bomber said...
"One person who will never win this award is that carpet-bagging, negative-campaigning Tea Partier Jonathan Tyler Dever because he will never be elected to anything"
- Sorry, what were you saying?

Toss Out said...
"Anyone who thinks this race is still a toss up is living in serious denial. The nasty campaign run by Dever, I mean by the Republican Party with absolutely no input from Dever whatsoever is turning voters away from the GOP in drives."
- And we certainly can see that was true.

Rejection said...
"After all the lies, all the smears, all the venomous hatred being spewed by Dever and the GOP is going to leave a bad taste in the mouths of voters for a very long time. Dever isn't just sinking himself. He is turning large numbers of suburban voters against the entire Republican Party."
- Maybe this is happening in a shithole like Springdale, but this year suburban voters couldn't find enough Republicans to support, including Dever.

Let's Face It said...
"Democrat Micah Kamrass has the party unified behind him.

 Democrat Micah Kamrass has nearly $100,000 in the bank. 

Tea Party Republican Jonathan Dever just ran a nasty campaign that greatly offended much of the Republican organization in Blue Ash, Sharonville and Reading, three communities which Republicans need to win big in order to have a chance.

 Tea Party Republican Jonathan Dever has almost no cash left. 

So, instead of a Republican tax-hiker winning this seat, it will once again stay in the Democrats' column with their own tax-hiker.

Once again, Republicans' bitter infighting and complete political ineptitude hands the Democrats a seat on a golden platter and will give Democrats yet another launching pad for an ambitious politician."
- And this, ladies and gents, is what a dumbass writes.

Simply Amazing said...
"The Dever campaign is so bad that Campaign Expert Matheny will finally win one, with help from such upstanding citizens as Jerry Springer, Stan Chesley, and Al Sharpton."
- Tell me more about how bad the Dever campaign was.

The Former Future said...
"What an amazing year! I went from candidate to campaign manager to campaign groupie while working so hard to make a difference in the lives of children at a still-undisclosed location. It might seem like a fall from grace to certain self-righteous hypocrites. Even so, I'll have had a better year than Dever."
- So I guess you won your Judicial race Susannah? 

That's Right said...
"Dever won a primary by a mere 66 votes, with a last minute attack mailer that Rick Bryan had no way of responding to. It was effective, to be sure. The problem is that none of that has worked against Micah Kamrass and this time Dever is alienating Republicans he needs n order to win. Face it, the nasty campaign run by a nasty person is toxic in the 28th,"
- For Dever to win by 12 points something sure worked. Like not listening to you, for example.

Boss Burke said...
"Hey, guys, thanks for making it so easy for us to keep the 28th in Democratic hands, and for giving us a shot in the 27th now, too."
- It was our pleasure Bossman. Now you've got Micah to shine shoes and run errands full time.

Ohio House Democrats said...
"Thanks for letting us keep the 28th. So glad you're comfortable having the distinction of the most Republican district actually represented by a Democrat. Please, keep nominating those extremist nutjobs"
- Please keep nominating those electable candidates like Micah Kamrass, Joe Otis, and Chris Redfern.

Let's Face It said...
"Micah Kamrass has 20 times as much cash on hand as the Republican nominee, who is too extreme for the Tea Party. He won despite being slightly outspent because of huge last-minute smear campaign. He faces a much wider funding Gap in the general, and he will not have the luxury of his cronies running such a nasty last-minute campaign, since COAST lacks the resources for effective general election messaging. Coast and the Tea Party can get their extremist candidates through a primary but not the general when so many people vote and when so many people reject the last minute smear tactics and extremist messages COAST pumps out. Turns out, this candidate is too extreme for the Tea Party. He will get little if any help from he state party and even most members of he local party want nothing to do with him. Yet another winnable seat taken away from the Republicans by conservative extremist evangelicals."
- Blah blah blah. The new guard defeated Rick Bryan, get over your bitterness.

Trust Me said...
"Micah Kamrass will get more votes from Republicans than any Democrat besides Dusty Rhodes ever has.

This is what happens when a weakened Republican Party kowtows to the extremists and doesn't support one of our own. 

This is what happens when the Party looks the other way when their right flank campaigns dishonestly and their candidate sneaks in on a smear campaign.

This is what happens when the Party acts like none of the above ever happened and trot out their standard line about supporting the primary's winner, even though no one seriously believes that they do. 

I hope the Ohio House Republican Operating Campaign is taking note of the shenanigans conducted by the carpet-bagging extremists, learns from past extremist nutjob candidates we've shamefully selected as our nominee, and doesn't waste $100,000 on the 28th District this time. Find some winnable races elsewhere in the state to offset the fact that in Hamilton County the inmates are running the asylum"
- Please keep sharing your wisdom with us.

Tim Burke said...
"So proud of Alex for seeing to it that an unelectable candidate was nominated for this seat, yet again. Thanks for letting us keep the 28th. We're really enjoying our control of the sheriff's office, as you may have noticed.


Your Good Friend Tim Burke" 
- We were happy to take this seat back from you. 
Dever supporters everywhere

Oh No said...
"Deceitful Dever's past is catching up to him in a big way. He won't even show his face in public by November 4th."
- Do you think he'll show up for his swearing-in ceremony? I know you won't.

Bitter Is as Bitter Does said...
"The only bitter people are the angry lonely Republican white male sociopaths who have never been able to win in the 28th and never will, because bigotry is never going to get a majority here. It doesn't matter if it's the angry wing nuts in Columbus or he jobless losers here in Cincinnati. Voters here aren't buying the hate you're selling."
- C'mon, don't talk about Rick Bryan's supporters like that!

Here We Go Again said...
"Thank you, Republicans, for backing yet another loser if a candidate for a very winnable seat."
- Yes, thank you to losers like Julie Matheny, Mark Painter, Walt Reuszer, and Royal Doyle Webster for messing up Micah's campaign instead of Dever's. We couldn't have done it without you.

Blue Rock said...
"All across the United States, a red wave is building, Republicans will gain in the US. House. The GOP will pick up a slew of Senate seats. Elsewhere in Ohio, it is looking like a Reoublican rout, thanks in no small part to The Wreck of the Edward FitzGerald. Republicans are looking great from sea to shining sea.

Except in Hamilton County, that is.

Republicans are set to lose a 57% index seat-- yet again-- because the party nominated an angry, hateful, divisive person who won't tell us what he will do because then the voters would really reject him.

 At the same time, Republicans will lose the probate court judgeship because they out up a socially awkward and uninspiring judge with no name ID outside of Green Township to run against a man with universal name recognition who is still seen as a beloved conservative on the west side. Way to go."
- Now I know who to get my advice from.

Blue Rock said...
"Micah Kamrass can take a million dollars from Satan himself and still win this race. The reason? His opponent is a mean, nasty, divisive individual who actually turns off the people he meets during campaigning door to door. Dever is the worst candidate for a competitive office I've seen the GOP put up in more than 30 years. It isn't that Dever is conservative. Chris Monzel and Steve Chabot are to the right of the center of their constituents, no doubt about it. Dever is running a nasty campaign with a caustic personality. He is the male version of Jean Schmidt. 

Thanks to the cosmic ineptitude of Chairman Alex, the 28th will be a blue rock that can withstand the red wave otherwise washing over the United States."
- Oh, you're still here Blue Rock? Please keep sending us your great analysis.

No Laughing Matter said...
"A sneaky last minute mailer isn't going to work anymore after the nastiness Dever has spewed in the general. I am glad to have sat the primary out because Rick wasn't going to win this either. The simple fact is that the Republicans can't win close races like this because three don't get good candidates and don't run good campaigns. They are the Ohio StateBuckeyes of politics. Three win races they are supposed to win but they are too dysfunctional to win he close ones anymore."
- Well let's see - Dever did win, and so did Ohio State. You're 0-2, just like the rest of those "Rick Bryan Republicans for Kamrass" losers.

Here We Go Again said...
"Republican attempts to smear their way into winning the 28th will fail... again."
- Thankfully the Democratic smear machine failed.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Dever with big win over Kamrass

Dear fellow tax hikers, we have finally calmed down enough to start reviewing the latest crushing defeat that our movement has suffered.  After our 2011 Tax Hiker of the Year Rick Bryan blew a big lead earlier this year to lose the Republican nomination to our enemy Jonathan Dever, we thought for sure we had a winner in young Micah Kamrass. 

We can't believe we're sitting here after the election bemoaning another big loss.  We were assured by our expert sources that the race was over and Kamrass was headed to a big victory.  But we didn't just lose, we got destroyed.

Kamrass was immensely qualified for this position.  At 25 years old, he's spent months working for Tim Burke performing important tasks like fetching coffee and shining Boss Burke's shoes.  And, Kamrass has one qualification that few will ever have - he was a student government president in college!  

We couldn't even win Blue Ash.  Shouldn't the endorsements of ancient Wheezer Reuszer and Christine Weber have at least delivered Blue Ash?  Or did the miniature horse that Blue Ash Council keeps attacking gallop out of town with hundreds of our votes? 

Now we want to hear your opinions.  Why did our boy Kamrass get crushed in a race he was favored to win?  How did Dever win both a primary election he had no chance of winning and a general election he couldn't possibly win?  And what happened in Blue Ash?  Tell us your thoughts.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

No way

Dear fellow tax hikers, please tell us there is no way Jonathan Dever defeated our endorsed candidate Micah Kamrass with 56% of the vote!  We were assured by our expert sources that: 1) Kamrass was going to win; and 2) it wasn't going to be close. 

Well, it appears they were 50% right.  (Or 6% greater than the Kamrass vote) 

However, upon further reflection we have found a pathway to victory.  By using Common Core math, we can move our friend "The 10" to a better place, giving Kamrass 54% of the vote and victory over Dever!  Yes we can!

Monday, November 3, 2014

Obama/Kamrass demonstrate Common Core English


Dear fellow tax hikers, one of the most important issues in this election is Common Core, the top-down education standards being promoted by President Barack Obama and our liberal candidate for State Representative Micah Kamrass.  Recently we profiled Common Core math, now it's time to look at Common Core English. 

In the above pic, President Obama stands with his #1 fan Micah Kamrass to spell O-I-H-O.  For most of us, it's OHIO. 

But under Common Core English there is nothing wrong with referring to our state as OIHO - as long as you explain why in 55 seconds.  These are the kind of winning standards we need for Ohio, I mean Oiho. 

Even though the voters of Ohio reject Common Core, we need to elect Kamrass to make sure these standards don't get repealed. 

Do it for the children.  Do it for OIHO.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Ohio Democrats getting annihilated

Dear fellow tax hikers, tonight's shock poll from The Columbus Dispatch contains terrible news for those of us who are either Democrats or tax hikers.  The entire Democratic ticket is on the verge of going down in flames.  Read the results for yourselves:

- John Kasich 62%
- EdWard FitzGerald 34%

- Dave Yost 55%
- John Carney 39%

- Jon Husted 58%
- Nina Turner 37%

- Josh Mandel 53%
- Connie Pillich 47%

- Extreme Right Winger Mike DeWine 61%
- Moderate, Mainstream David Pepper who everyone supports except a few conservative wackos 39%

We don't understand how a slate endorsed by Jerry Springer can be doing so poorly.  Maybe Jerry (with help from Stan Chesley and us) can at least get Micah Kamrass elected.