Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Cincinnati covers sex change operations

Dear fellow tax hikers across the gender spectrum, we are delighted to report that the City of Cincinnati has decided to cover sex change operations for its employees!

Are you a man desiring to be a woman?  A butch who wants to be a man?  Or maybe you just want to experiment.  If you work for Cincinnati you are in luck!  You can have your very own sex change operation, courtesy of Cincinnati taxpayers.

This change was initiated by City Manager Scott Stiles and City Councilman Chris Seelbach, and signed by Councilmen P.G. Sittenfeld, Wendell Young, Yvette Simpson, and David Mann (or is it David Woman).  Stiles says this move "keeps the City competitive as an employer."

Because we all know that Cincinnati can't recruit workers unless they know they can get a free sex change. 

This policy is said to cover "medically necessary" transgender procedures.  At first we asked ourselves what is a medically necessary sex change but eventually we figured it out. 

If you're a guy who watches QVC, then you have a medical need for a sex change operation.

If you're a woman with 10 or more pieces of Birkenstock apparel, then there is definitely a man inside you yearning to be free.

And if you're a Councilman who spends most of your time whining about others, and subsidizes sex change surgeries while expecting others to subsidize your icons......

We fully endorse this policy.  If you work for the City of Cincinnati and want to change your sex, everyone else should have to pay for it.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

What the hell, vote Tarbell?

Dear fellow tax hikers, the race for Hamilton County Commissioner has become even more crowded and confusing than it was before.  A few days ago we talked about The Ghostbuster Sean Feeney.  Now we're talking about Jim Tarbell. 

Tarbell, you see, is so upset that Hamilton County citizens won't get to pay higher taxes for Cincinnati-owned Music Hall that he's decided to run as a write-in candidate.  Four years ago Tarbell ran as the Democratic candidate, only to get crushed by our enemy Chris Monzel 56-44%. 

This puts us in a quandary.  We endorsed Taxin' Tarbell in his losing 2010 campaign.  But a few days ago we endorsed The Ghostbuster for this race.  

We need feedback from you, our loyal readers.  Which of our endorsed candidates do we stand behind? 

1) The streetcar supporter that wants to raise taxes for Music Hall who is on the ballot?
2) The streetcar supporter that wants to raise taxes for Music Hall who isn't on the ballot?

Or do we endorse both of these pro-streetcar tax hikers?  Write us with your thoughts. 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The Streetcar's $5 million setback

Dear fellow tax hikers, bad news strikes our beloved Cincinnati Streetcar again.  Yesterday we learned that we are certain to lose a $5 million grant we were counting on to help operate the streetcar.  Now the city must replace this money from their operating budget.  We must rebound.

What better way to deal with this setback than to implement a $5 million tax increase?  Barring that, we can always lay off police and fire employees. 

No matter what, nothing can get in the way of our streetcar.  This streetcar is the most important project in Cincinnati.  We must make sure this streetcar line is a success so we can get busy expanding it. 

Just don't ask us about those Special Improvement Districts that our side promised.  This is politics, and in politics promises are made to be broken.  This streetcar will be a success.  That we promise! 

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Ghostbuster for Hamilton County Commissioner

Dear fellow tax hikers, our candidate for Hamilton County Commissioner, Democrat Sean Feeney, has a plan to defeat incumbent Commissioner Chris Monzel.  And it involves reaching out to everyone - especially the Paranormal-American community.   

Yes, it was discovered today that Feeney is a former paranormal investigator.  He specialized in investigating UFO's and ghosts, and was so dedicated to the cause that he co-authored an ethics guide into paranormal investigations.

Has Chris Monzel ever co-authored a paranormal ethics guide?   

What do you do when Hamilton County Commissioners won't raise taxes as high as you want?  What do you do when you hate Monzel as much as we do and can never defeat him?  What do you do about all these injustices?  Who you gonna call? 


This story hits home.  One of my spouses was kidnapped in 2012 by space aliens.  Fortunately these were fun aliens instead of the evil ones.  They spent his month of captivity pulling pranks and telling jokes before returning him safely back to Earth. 

This diversity of experience will be enormously helpful to the Feeney campaign.  He won't beat Monzel with just Hamilton County voters.  But once Feeney gets votes from ghosts, dead people, and aliens from outer space he will be victorious. 

We leave you with the theme song for the Feeney campaign.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Stan Chesley ordered to pay $42 million

Dear fellow tax hikers, Democratic super-donor Stan Chesley has been ordered to pay $42 million as a result of his (alleged) misconduct during the infamous fen-phen case. 

"Chesley is one of several attorneys accused of violating ethics rules and skimming cash from clients after attorneys received the bulk of the $200 million fen-phen settlement in 2001, despite contracts with clients stating they were entitled to less than one-third of the money."

Chesley was later disbarred.

He made a name for himself as a super-donor to Democratic campaigns, even purchasing his wife a federal judgeship.  Sometimes Chesley even donated to Republicans - the good ones like Jean Schmidt

Chesley may be disbarred, but he continues to be a major player due to his checkbook.  Though now, it's about $42 million lighter.  

Thursday, August 7, 2014

$170 million isn't enough

Dear fellow tax hikers, Hamilton County Commissioners sent to the voters a 5 year, $170 million Sales Tax increase to restore Cincinnati-owned Union Terminal.  We are disgusted that we aren't being asked to pay more.  How dare the Hamilton County Commissioners exclude the Cincinnati-owned Music Hall from this proposal and not ask us to pay even more taxes.

$170 million is not enough.  What is Union Terminal supposed to do with a paltry $170 million?  We must pay more.  It is not enough for Hamilton County to restore one building that Cincinnati owns.  If they do not do both buildings, it is a total, complete failure of leadership. 

There was only one plan, and that is the one Bob McDonald proposed.  Bob McDonald said so himself.  County Commissioners had no right to utilize their legal authority to propose something else. 

Bob McDonald is rich.  Therefore, anything he proposes must be enacted without question. 

Because we are so distraught that we may only have to pay $170 million, we are going to leave you with commentary from fantastic folks we admire:

- Dictator Bob McDonald, public relations guru - "There is no alternative plan. This is the plan."

- Francie Hiltz, Cincinnati Museum Center Board Chair -  "This is a total failure"

- Cultural Facilities Task Force - "the worst possible outcome"

- Doug McDonald, Cincinnati Museum Center CEO - "This is disappointing for everybody. There are no winners here."

- Eric Avner, Haile Foundation - "Must be all or nothing."

This is the first tax increase ever that doesn't excite us.  $170 million just doesn't go as far as it used to.