Thursday, September 15, 2011
Simon Leis Memorial Service
Dearly tax hikers, we are gathered here, at our favorite hangout, to mourn the political passing of one of our greatest friends, Hamilton County Sheriff Simon L. Leis. For the last 80 years Simon has been an inspiration for us all - raising taxes, supporting the $200 million streetcar, trashing the 1st Amendment, and in general being a jackass to anyone who didn't respect his authority as Hamilton County Dictator. We will miss him greatly.
Simon Leis spent a lifetime watching pornography. Not for his benefit of course - it was for our benefit. After all, how would we know if a particular film was appropriate to watch if Dearly Simon hadn't already watched it and made the decision for us. We bet Simon had a big smile on his face when he watched two guys pounding each other, knowing that his sacrifice was protecting the community.
When he wasn't watching adult films for our benefit, Simon was an advocate for everything we believed in. He strongly supported an $800 million Sales Tax hike for $200 million to expand his jail and the rest to expand his kingdom. He took a trip to Portland and saw a bunch of people riding the streetcar during lunch rush in a no-fare zone, and based on that immediately endorsed Cincinnati's then-$200 million streetcar plan. Simon proudly endorsed great Democrats like David Pepper, Todd Portune, and Jim Tarbell while opposing our enemies Pat DeWine and Chris Monzel.
We have all come here for comfort and support in our trying time of need. This is a safe place for our kind to mourn, knowing we are with those who believe as we do. Be not afraid to cry. Be not afraid to grieve. Be not afraid to reach out here to your friends for love in this most difficult period. As we enter our mourning period, we invite all you Dearly Tax Hikers to post your favorite memories of our Dearly Departed, so that our sense of community can help us heal. RIP Great Sheriff.