Dear fellow tax hikers, our candidate for Hamilton County Commissioner, Democrat Sean Feeney, has a plan to defeat incumbent Commissioner Chris Monzel. And it involves reaching out to everyone - especially the Paranormal-American community.
Yes, it was discovered today that Feeney is a former paranormal investigator. He specialized in investigating UFO's and ghosts, and was so dedicated to the cause that he co-authored an ethics guide into paranormal investigations.
Has Chris Monzel ever co-authored a paranormal ethics guide?
What do you do when Hamilton County Commissioners won't raise taxes as high as you want? What do you do when you hate Monzel as much as we do and can never defeat him? What do you do about all these injustices? Who you gonna call?
GHOSTBUSTERS!
This story hits home. One of my spouses was kidnapped in 2012 by space aliens. Fortunately these were fun aliens instead of the evil ones. They spent his month of captivity pulling pranks and telling jokes before returning him safely back to Earth.
This diversity of experience will be enormously helpful to the Feeney campaign. He won't beat Monzel with just Hamilton County voters. But once Feeney gets votes from ghosts, dead people, and aliens from outer space he will be victorious.
We leave you with the theme song for the Feeney campaign.
18 comments:
I wish this Feeney guy would have dropped out. We already have the votes of dead people locked up.
Mmmmmm, the giant marshmallow looks delicious.
When I was a Democratic Party operative in New York City, it was so time-consuming to register dead people to vote. Maybe this Feeney guy s on to something. What a great thing for us- I mean, what a horrible thing for us.
I thought I would have moved on from screwing things up at the Hamilton County Republican Party by now, but things are so screwed up in the other side too.
I haven't had much success with living clients for me and my expert campaign consultin' service. Maybe I can try to get ghosts elected. I could also use some ghost clients in my office park leasing.
Can this Feeney guy raise the dead and see if any of them can clean up that crime-ridden, trash-infested ghetto to the north of us?
You Republicans are in for a rough ride. you didn't follow my orders to put the icon tax on the ballot. Monzel has some skeletons in his closet. You all forgot how close I am with Leslie Ghiz, didn't you?
Me and the other friendly ghosts will be voting for Feeney, as long as he promises to only bust the bad ghosts.
I just want to know if this Feeney fellow can stand up to those damn Catholics. If he can, he has a big check coming his way. But Feeney is an Irish name and most Irish are Catholics. Damn.
If Feeney had dropped out, I could have run against that Monzel dweeb and won. Now I am stuck in a race for a dead-end judgeship when I haven't seen the inside of a courtroom in decades and let my law license lapse.
Don't make any mean comments about Jewish ghosts or I'll write another 28-paragraph diatribe against this blog.
Ah, Charlie my boy, I see we are kindred spirits in letting licenses lapse. It's so hard to remember to renew those things, isn't it?
When you've been on the public payroll as long as we have, and when you're guaranteed to be on the public payroll for the foreseeable future, no issue, not even ghost-busting, can make you give a frog's fat ass about anything.
Walker indicted, Perry indicted, are there any honest republicans left? Nope. Didn't think so.
I guess you could say that this Feeney guy doesn't have a ghost of a chance. Ha! I kill me! I love laughing at my own jokes. We're going to have a great year without even trying. Believe me, about that not trying part.
I hope those fat, smelly, disgusting, inbred west side ghosts stay away from me.
Republicans need to become more accepting of ghost-busting if we want to remain a viable political party. Demographic trends indicate that we can't afford to lose votes from ghostbusters if we want to remain a viable political party. We need to change our messaging to become more accepting of ghost-busting, just like we need to become more accepting of homosexual lifestyles, abortion on demand, gun control, and unlimited illegal immigration.
The Ohio Republican Party purged all those conservatives and troublesome Tea Partiers earlier this year. We have some of the most diverse, progressive, big-spending, high-taxing conservative-purging, abortion-supporting gay-friendly candidates in the history of EVER running under the Republican banner this year. Guess what, we are poised for historical gains this year. See, get rid of the crazy Tea Partiers and other right-wing goofballs and mainstream voters respond to our message. That conservative crap might help us win a few votes but it is deadly policy.
We''ll be sure to stock up on some, Edmund a Fitzgerald Porter.
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