Dear fellow tax hikers, we enjoyed a drunken Election Night as we focused exclusively on celebrating the re-election of Our Messiah Barack Obama! If you like high taxes, high unemployment, large deficits, and expansive government control of health care as much as we do, you haven't seen anything yet. Forward.
It wasn't until Wednesday morning - for us, more like afternoon - we got around to perusing the rest of the results. You can only imagine the horror on our hung-over faces when we saw that our good friend Sean Donovan was defeated in his effort to become our next Sheriff. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Donovan was entitled to that position! Si Leis himself bestowed it upon him.
We are crushed by this unexpected defeat. Donovan was the best candidate we had on the ballot. Don't the voters know that Donovan wants higher taxes to build the Simon Leis Jr. Memorial Jail? Don't they know he's one of the earliest streetcar supporters? Don't they know he's the candidate of the double-dippers and isn't the candidate who wants to cut administrative staff?
We are still distraught by this defeat. My civil domestic partner and I have been spending our days shut in with the blinds drawn. We pass the time listening to our favorite musical selections, which consist of alternating between our Justin Bieber and One Direction CD's.
We are all hurting, but we must pull ourselves together and move on. There are so many taxes to be raised, so many new streetcars to be built. Through community, we can all join together and heal ourselves and each other. We also wish our very best to Si Leis and Sean Donovan. We appreciate everything they have done for us. We dedicate this fitting song to our beloved outgoing Sheriff Simon Leis.