Dear fellow tax hikers, we enjoyed a drunken Election Night as we focused exclusively on celebrating the re-election of Our Messiah Barack Obama! If you like high taxes, high unemployment, large deficits, and expansive government control of health care as much as we do, you haven't seen anything yet. Forward.
It wasn't until Wednesday morning - for us, more like afternoon - we got around to perusing the rest of the results. You can only imagine the horror on our hung-over faces when we saw that our good friend Sean Donovan was defeated in his effort to become our next Sheriff. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Donovan was entitled to that position! Si Leis himself bestowed it upon him.
We are crushed by this unexpected defeat. Donovan was the best candidate we had on the ballot. Don't the voters know that Donovan wants higher taxes to build the Simon Leis Jr. Memorial Jail? Don't they know he's one of the earliest streetcar supporters? Don't they know he's the candidate of the double-dippers and isn't the candidate who wants to cut administrative staff?
We are still distraught by this defeat. My civil domestic partner and I have been spending our days shut in with the blinds drawn. We pass the time listening to our favorite musical selections, which consist of alternating between our Justin Bieber and One Direction CD's.
We are all hurting, but we must pull ourselves together and move on. There are so many taxes to be raised, so many new streetcars to be built. Through community, we can all join together and heal ourselves and each other. We also wish our very best to Si Leis and Sean Donovan. We appreciate everything they have done for us. We dedicate this fitting song to our beloved outgoing Sheriff Simon Leis.
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16 comments:
Wait a minute, I didn't run that campaign did I?
Something has to be said about this country, although we do have major disappointments at times. This is the only county people risk life and limb, even their lives, to obtain a least a small slice of the freedoms and oppotunities she offers. GOD BLESS AMERICA! GOD SAVE THE REPUBLIC!
Ha Ha Ha! At least *I* WON!
Looking at the election results, well, I mean, someone who actuall looked at the election results told me this, it's all the fault of those smelly, fat, disgusting, inbred, sweaty west siders who voted for the DEMOCRAT instead of our great REPUBLICAN candidate. The nerve of some people!
All of my Greed Township frenlies let me down, and even the Cool Colerainers like Dennis and Jeff and Mindy didn't come through like they said that they would do. I can't believe Buzz didn't fix this to go the right way!
Ugh! As if!
I heard a lot of Republicans voted for Neil. What does that say about my ability to pick good candidates, especially with so many Republicans I had to pick from?
My guy Hartman won! So there!
The greeks invented backroom deals, bitches.
Hope Jim goes easy on those park patrols if ya know what I mean.
As usual, we did our part. Too bad the big stinking pile of garbage to the north of us is causing Republicans to move out and Section 8 recipients voting Democrat to move in. Remember, when you're home to people's trash, you're also home to trashy people. I hope they get off their butts in Colerain and do something to stop this, or those undesirables will soon be moving into lovely, pure, heavily Republican Green Township. It's too bad the rest of Hamilton County can't be. Just. Like. Us.
See, I told you I would turn the local Republican Party into a totally dysfunctional mess, didn't I? Now do you believe me, Tim? Chris? Debbie Down there in Florida?
Perhaps Mr. and Mrs. Greed Township can explain how Romney ran behind McCain and also received 6,000 *fewer* votes than George W. Bush, even as Green's population grew by several thousand in the lt 8 years.
Green Township failed to get 67% turnout in a single precinct. That didn't stop Greed Township Republican Club leadership, its trustees, and its fiscal officer from turning out en masse every time there was free food at some political event or another this year.
Successful political campaigns require actual work. That means more talking to people's faces and less talking behind their backs.
The current Greed Township Gang is not up to the task.
Wait, Alex, you told me all I needed to do was come to some picnics, dinners, rallies and other events, put up a few yard signs on the west side, and I'd win this thing in a walk.
What happened? I'm beginning to think that some fund-raising and developing a campaign message should have been included at some point somewhere. Why aren't you returning my calls all of a sudden?
Boy, I really thought all my friends and contacts at the Young Professionals Council would come through for me this time after they totally hung me out to dry last year.
They kept telling me how great they were. All those cocktail parties should have meant something.
I was so looking forward to filing dozens of public records requests to uncover all of the cronyism and corruption in this political office. I spend all my time obsessing over government waste and am so fortunate to have a nice boss down at the county who lets me spend all this time tracking down typographical errors of the most minute variety. However, a Democrat now holds this office, so I won't have any interest in pursuing any of that here. And, wait, this was for all of Hamilton County and not just Colerain Township, so never mind.
Guess I'll have to go ask the Rumpkes what my next thousand or so public records requests should be.
Oink oink I won oink oink
We love it when Republicans think we think they're cool because they support streetcars and higher taxes. Do we vote for "cool" "hip" Republicans then? Heck no! Make it emphatic vote straight Democratic! That's our motto because hey free birth control and stuff like that.
ON TUESDAY NOVEMBER SIXTH TWO THOUSAND AND TWELVE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AND THE PEOPLE OF THE GREAT STATE OF OHIO GAVE A RESOUNDING ENDROSEMENT TO HIGHER TAXES AND HIGHER GOVERNMENT SPENDING.
AS A PROUD SUPPORTER-- A PROUD SUPPORTER! OF -EACH- AND -EVERY- ONE OF BOB TAFT'S TAX HIKES
-AND-
AS A PROUD SUPPORTER OF THE PUBLIC SAFETY PLAN IN TWO THOUSAND AND SEVEN
-AND-
AS A STEADFAST OPPONENT OF JOHN KASICH'S TERRIBLE- AND I MEAN TERRIBLE- PLAN TO REIN IN GOVERNMENT SPENDING, I COULD NOT BE MORE PROUD OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, THE HARD-WORKING MEN AND WOMEN OF THE GREAT STATE OF OHIO, AND THE GOOD PEOPLE IN HAMILTON COUNTY.
BUT I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME FIGURE OUT HOW THESE GREAT PEOPLE REFUSED TO ELECT ONE OF THE ALL-TIME CHAMPION TAX HIKE ADVOCATES AND SPENDING ADVOCATES--
NOT JUST FOR THE PUBLIC SAFETY BUT ALSO FOR THE STREETCAR--
INTO PUBLIC OFFICE AND CHOSE A DEMOCRAT-
A DEMOCRAT-
TO RUN OUR COUNTY JAIL, PATROL OUR TOWNSHIP STREETS, AND TO FIGHT CRIME FOR ALL OF US.
I SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT MAY HAPPEN NEXT.
MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON US ALL.
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