Dear fellow tax hikers, even with our elite writing skills we could never create a story this great. A 5'5", 350-pound man was arrested for trying to steal 5 Ribeye steaks from Walmart. While riding one of Walmart's infamous Fat People Scooters, lardo attempted to ride out of the store sitting on the 5 steaks.
“Suspect sat on the steaks and exited the store passing all points of sale, without attempting to pay for said merchandise,” cops noted.
We bet those were the most tenderized pieces of steak ever. It brings new meaning to the term "rump roast".
"Due to his size, the suspect was cuffed using two pairs of cuffs."
We just hope they didn't put the product back on the shelf. Unless they sanitized and deodorized it.
Tell us tax hikers, do we know any 5'5" 350-pound losers around here who might attempt this crime?