Dear fellow tax hikers, even with our elite writing skills we could never create a story this great. A 5'5", 350-pound man was arrested for trying to steal 5 Ribeye steaks from Walmart. While riding one of Walmart's infamous Fat People Scooters, lardo attempted to ride out of the store sitting on the 5 steaks.
“Suspect sat on the steaks and exited the store passing all points of sale, without attempting to pay for said merchandise,” cops noted.
We bet those were the most tenderized pieces of steak ever. It brings new meaning to the term "rump roast".
"Due to his size, the suspect was cuffed using two pairs of cuffs."
We just hope they didn't put the product back on the shelf. Unless they sanitized and deodorized it.
Tell us tax hikers, do we know any 5'5" 350-pound losers around here who might attempt this crime?
26 comments:
Don't give Craig Hochscheid any ideas.
I wouldn't put anything past those damn Catholics.
That guy has an amazing mustache.
This photo must have been taken on the west side.
That photo was probably taken at one of the TWO Wal-Marts in our garbage-infested neighbor to the north.
Sounds like something that mean, evil, nasty Jonathon Dever would do. I think one of his paid "volunteers" who was sent here by Columbus would be willing to risk his or her career to steal something for him. Those jerks would do anything for the party.
This fat pig stole 5 steaks. Kamrass supporter Melowese Richardson stole 6 votes. The pig needs to step up his game.
I don't know any 350 pounders, but I know a 700 pound pig named Tabby who can throw down several steaks in a sitting.
Clearly the unemployed loser behind this blog has nothing better to do with his life.
Being a CPA, I can show my clients how to hide way more than five steaks underneath their fat balance sheets. I am so thankful that Republican primary voters don't seem to care about my donations to Democrats that are hiding in plain sight. Did you see Democrats rejected a candidate for state party chairman because he donated to Republicans? Thankfully, Republicans have no such standards.
My good friend Tim Burke isn't up to 350 pounds just yet, but he has been able to steal a number of elected offices from us while calling me a racist and sexist in public. Gotta go. Time to shovel my good friend Tim Burke's driveway.
I expect some ^%$&@ courtesy around here, damn it! I ever go in to a &*&@_*# Wal-Mart, I will go wherever the (@*!*( I want to go and take whatever the *$&@!& I want to take, you &$&_)-*&&$(@ racists!
Why steal steaks from Wal-Mart when you can steal a kiss from President Obama?
As a celebrated bon vivant and this months recipient of the golden stock boy award I know a little bit about product quality and placement. Contrary to what you may think, the aforementioned beluga is employing a tenderizing technique sanctioned by Tubs Of Goo Association AKA TOGA. While points are deducted for the lack of skin to steak contact and resulting interplay between shit bits and meat, we endorse the practice and would very much like to request that the afflicted beef and beluga be set aside for a Hochscheid pick up.
Craig "Shine Box" Hochscheid
I'm so glad I spent 150K to become a NON-member of this menagerie, aka the "justice system."
Who cares about steaks? I just keep stealing seats from the Republican Party!
If Tim has a problem with anything our candidates do, I will be sure not to defend him or her in public, right, Mr. Dever?
Hey I just had an election stolen from me, so I don't want to hear Wal-Mart whining about a few steaks. Maybe they can try a little more prevention, just like I should have tried a little more campaigning.
We took a lot of dough from Mezher, Miller and Haines, just to see them lose!
Racist Republicans have robbed the good people of Ferguson, MO of their peace and dignity.
You're telling me! I think I lost quite a bit too. Hey, FSG, maybe try some real messaging next time.
We have been taking up space pretending to be such great Republicans for decades. Then we decided to get off our rear ends and actually campaign for someone who was Democrat. We only did this because one of our own got challenged and then defeated by someone we didn't approve of. Then our new friend got his ass handed to him by the guy we didn't like. Now we are adrift and some of our members are wandering rand aimlessly like losers at Wal-Mart.
Here I am, stuck in Blue Ash, after that carpet-bagging kid with a nasty personality who is too extreme for the tea party came along and stole a state legislative seat from me. It was mine, all mine, a reward for all the hard work I did for the Republican Party from my seat on Blue Ash City Council. I got robbed and the so-called leadership of the Hamilton County Republican Party didn't do a darn thing about it.
I can't use my real name because I am retired from a very important position at the very highest levels of state government. Folks, it's really sad how unrecognized the unsung foot soldiers of the 2014 landslide victories for our Republican Party have been. I refer of course to the great work by the Jon Husted for Secretary of State campaign, carrying so many others to victory on our lengthy coattails. All the glory has been stolen from us by so any other campaigns and their own sense of grandiose self-importance.
We managed to slip a legislative seat past all those dumb voters and made certain people in Colerain look like total fools and losers at the same time. That's much better than sitting on a few steaks at Wal-Mart.
It sounds like me at Costco.
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